Henry Nam

Short version:  Boo hoo.  Whine whine whine.

Long version:  My head feels heavy.  Really, being a student shouldn't be that hard, but like many (oh so many), it feels like school's the least important thing as far as my actions go.  I'm struggling again.  Despite such a wonderful start, a really good previous semester, and all, I'm burning out.  

I think the weekends (or lack thereof) are really killing me, but at the same time, how much would I get done anyway?  I'm so close to the end.  Compared to the years I've been alive (and hope to continue to be!), these next 2.5 months are but a blip on the radar.  Yet, so much of my being just wants to stop having to worry about the school system and work as a musician and artist.  I think I just yearn for independence, but I know the moment I get my "wish," I'll regret not taking advantage of this precious time in my life.  

Maybe what it is is this constant state of transitions I feel like I'm in.  I'm always moving from one stage in my life to another, but that's life though.  Knowing myself, I may not enjoyed the "settled" life so much.  In this stage, I'm definitely feeling torn between my academic life and my quasi-professional life.  In a matter of speaking, I want to do more music and dedicate more time to art and do more of those books but school is getting in the way.  What a backwards way of looking at it, huh?  

Water break.

As I've been going through life, I keep hearing that once something becomes an obligation, it oftentimes becomes less pleasurable.  School's definitely feeling like an obligation.  A whoppingly expensive obligation.  I feel I really just need to grow up and deal with it, but I feel like a car trying to win a race on flat tires.  Going through this process has taught me a lot about myself, but self-enrichment isn't something you can really get certified in let alone support yourself on.  

I've long tinkered with thoughts of leaving it all, joining a commune, and doing whatever the heck I wanted.  Sounds nice!  I know I'll get bored of it though.  However meaningless everything I'm doing now feels, it'll translate to the rest of my life once I release myself from any obligation aside from tending to my own selfish needs in addition to the needs of the commune.  

Energy.  I need energy!  Even more so, I need will power, and that's something only I can give myself.  What I'm doing now feels so devoid of substance.  I'm doing what I need to to graduate.  I'm "learning" what my academic community has deemed important to know so they can certify me as a relative expert in some general field.  It's all for a sheet of paper that says I did it.  

One way of putting my seeming inability to fulfill obligations are these mini-vibrations of mindless ticks.  Computers, cleaning, cooking, researching, writing, doodling, daydreaming ... it's all over the place.  I'm terribly afraid of even the prospect of being put on medications that "help" me concentrate in fear of losing the dynamic way my mind works.  I depend on it creativity, but perhaps I'm only leading myself to my own destruction.

I need to sleep.  I'm not going to solve anything by staying up and worrying about all the stuff I should have done.  It isn't done, it won't get done, and tomorrow's going to come anyway.